Audience Tips

I'll be the first to admit I'm an excessively touchy audience member. I don't particularly like sitting next to people in close quarters. I'm (quietly) antsy and fidgety. I have precise routines. And I most especially hate dealing with the various quirks of other general people in conjunction with something I look forward to as an audience member: being entertained.

But I know I'm not alone either. I've heard the same complaints over and over from other people, though maybe not with such fervor. Theirs is a silent seething rage that festers deep down, continually squashed by denial and anger, hoping to squeeze at least one ounce of joy from the entertainment experience. It's no wonder the "Audience Watch" tidbits have been a popular favorite here on this blog. Perhaps they vocalize what we all know to be true, and at the same time take a stand. Instead of half turning with an eyeroll, they get up, turn around, and shout: shut up!

To mark the beginning of another fun-filled Seattle film festival going experience, I present the following:

Tips For Being A Successful Audience Member

1. Arrive on time. This means at LEAST 5 minutes before the start of the movie. Not during the trailers, and including the bathroom/snackbar/chit-chat you need to take care of.

2. Don't talk during trailers. Many people consider this an important part of their screening experience. Talking during commercials is tolerated, but please note that some people use the noise information gathered during the commercials to decide whether or not to move away from you immediately.

3. Waiting until the movie enters a loud action-packed scene to slowly unwrap the crinkly packaged candy you snuck into the movie theater isn't fooling anyone: We can still hear it.

4. If you anticipate a bathroom break, or you have digestive problems, consider sitting in an aisle seat or the front row.

5. Whatever you have to say during the movie is never ever as important as the movie, unless it's the word "fire." Whispering doesn't work.

7. Don't wear perfume or cologne. You are invading the scent-space of a dozen people around you who have to tolerate it for the next 2 hours, some who might even be allergic.

8. Do you fidget a lot and need room? Consider sitting somewhere towards the back or near an aisle seat. Or somewhere away from people.

9. We love to laugh together. We don't like to hear one guy's weird laugh attack in the middle of the most serious scene of the movie, especially if it's supposed to be a sarcastic commentary on the movie currently in progress. If you're laughing and nobody else is, chances are we can hear you.

10. Don't talk back, yell, or verbally react to the movie in progress (laughter or fright are exceptions). It's not a verbal dialog between you and the screen, it's a one way conversation and you're on the receiving end.

11. If someone moves away from you, first congratulations on actually noticing. Second, don't take it personally, just learn and move on.

12. Please, please, do not chew popcorn with your mouth open. The crunchy sound may be satisfying, but only to you.

13. If you are tall, consider sitting in the front row or aisle so as not to constantly hit the backs of other seats in front of you.

And last but not least:

14. Be invisible. Nobody wants to be aware of your presence during a movie in a theater. That's why we're not at home watching it with you in your living room. Anything you do that involves anything other than sitting in a chair silently watching a screen is a potential source of irritation for the people surrounding you.

Posted by rkn on May 9, 2007 06:44 AM | Permalink